Hope and fear

Hope and fear go hand in hand, huh? You hope for something and then, there it is… fear. Fear that what you’re hoping for will not happen. Fear that it will all be destroyed. For some bizarre, out of your qualms of reality, fear always seems to trump hope. Why?

Maybe because it’s when you’re a kid it’s so much easier to believe that there actually is a monster in the darkness of your room. As much as you hope it’s not actually there, your childhood imagination is far too large and trumps it and you really believe this monster is very hungry… for you. Even when you turn on the light, your imagination just tells you the monster was very quick to hide somewhere. Why? Well because that’s just the way we think as kids.

So maybe that idea lingers with you into adulthood and you will always be afraid of the fast moving monster. Fear of things not happening will always somehow be greater than the hope for them happening. The ever so infamous line, “knowing my luck….” is perhaps really just an adult manifestation of, “the monster just hid fast but he’s still here… somewhere.”

But why? Is it because it’s so much easier to not expect something to happen? Because it hurts less when it doesn’t? Well, screw all that. Allow yourself for once the good feeling of pure and simple hope. Forget that make believe monster. Sit down in your chair, close your eyes, go back to your childhood room, turn the lights off, grab a knight’s sword (hey, kids imagination over here) and stab that monster. And then? HOPE. Hope away my friend. Just let all the hope you ever wanted to feel enter your thoughts and fucking hope…. And if thing’s don’t work out… don’t blame me. Maybe you just didn’t stab the monster deep enough.

The Great Pretender

Too real is this feeling of make-believe
Too real when I feel what my heart can’t conceal
Yes I’m the great pretender
Just laughin’ and gay like a clown
I seem to be what I’m not, you see
I’m wearing my heart like a crown



I was running so fast. My breath was pounding in my ears. My right hip felt like it was tearing apart. My arms were cold. My heart, weak. The giant pine trees around me were tumbling down into my world. But all I could concentrate on, all I could see, was that lake beneath the next slope I was about to run on. It looked so clear and promising. A promise of a body of water filled with infinite moments and infinite thoughts. I felt as though I would run into it and enter a different dimension where all my mental disturbances would cease to exist. A state of total neutrality and complete blankness. I just had to get to that lake. Just a few more steps. A few more breaths to listen to. A pull of the hip and swing of the arms and pound of the heart. I was almost there when out of nowhere, a dog is standing in front of me. My feet stopped and the domino effect that followed was inevitable.

It’s strange to think that while you’re in so much pain it is possible to stop it by quitting what you’re doing. But it’s actually the opposite. When you stop, it hurts even more. For some time, it hurts twice the amount because that is the moment you realize how much strain you were putting on yourself. Your body begins to allow all the stress and pain to completely enter and for the first time you’re able to understand what you were doing to yourself. My lungs were desperately trying to grasp more air. My hip was unbearable. My arms were in a surreal sense of numbness. My heart was a hammer. The world was spinning and I was staring at the dog.

When you remove the pain, the agony doubles. When you remove the stress, it becomes unbearable. When you remove the source, the effect remains with you and inside of you, perhaps even a part of you… for some time. As you’re standing there gaining your senses back, your mind seems to get a rush out of nowhere. Thoughts are whirling on a speeding train on the tracks of your brain and you can barely understand what it’s attempting to make sense of.

Why is childhood always what we go back to? Everyone claims they were happier, carefree, beautiful times. Not so much so in my case for reasons I will not go into right now. Even so, I go back to that. It gives me a sense of a foundation. A place where I was who I was, not who I wanted to be. So… the stress entered and the pieces created a map in my head. Maybe I created my mistakes by accepting the things I should have not accepted.

That being said, the years that I spent caring for others were not wasted. You learn. I learned. I learned not to complain, but instead to listen. I learned not to look back, but to look forward because forward has better possibilities. I learned not to judge, but to understand. I learned there are bad actions and not bad people. Most importantly I learned that it’s okay. It’s okay for you to be uncertain. It’s okay to stutter in action. It’s okay to ruin everything. It’s okay to change your mind. It’s okay to remember while you try to forget. It’s okay to care and love so much that you give up opportunities, you give up wishes, you give up goals and give up your right to a normal life (whatever that is) just to make sure those you love are okay. Because once it’s over, once the ice begins to melt on that lake, you resurface and that first breath you take is the most beautiful one you will ever take.

What is not okay, is for you to pretend like this can go on forever. It can’t. It shouldn’t. It won’t.

I like to call myself the Great Pretender.

........ and just like that.... a few minutes later.... the pain was gone.

Elements according to me.........

If you were to study the basics of the periodic table, you would would find out rather quickly that Dmitri Mendeleev created a pretty incredible table. I mean, there have been other notable inventions or creations such as the lightbulb, the internet, pizza and the movie Back to the Future, but I would say that the periodic table changed the world without most people knowing it. As you begin to notice all the arranged patterns and numbers in the table, it begins to morph into more than just a table of information. It turns into a picture and representation of many topics ranging from electronegativity to atomic radius, which are essentials for basics in chemistry. But alas, the only reason I'm even mentioning the periodic table is because I started to make connections between the elemental properties and those people who surround you on a daily basis. I was chuckling quite loudly in the library when I was wasting some time coming up with people who I could link to these property groups (obviously my spare time is spent doing important stuff). I wouldn't have been able to finish it if it weren't for the magnificently helpful periodic table.

First up are the alkali metals which can be found in group I. These are strongly reactive metals that commonly make salts when reacted with the halogens. The alkali metals are like those people who want to desperately create relationships, whether they are just friendly relationships or romantic ones. They are willing to give up things (electrons) to the other person in order to create this relationship. Who are these other persons? These are the hoarders also known as the halogens filling up group IIVA. Halogens really only care about themselves, always looking for electrons to take from other elements. When chloride (let's says Bob) becomes friends with potassium (let's say Emma), it's only because Emma has more money and is willing to share it with Bob who is willing to start this friendship because he's looking for electrons, err, money. As you can see, it's not a very fruitful relationship, but hey, how else could we get table salt, NaCl?

The alkaline earth metals are kind of goofy because they are not really found free in nature, which begs the question: why call them earth metals? Well that's because they can be found within Earth's crust, although not in their elemental form. For example, magnesium can be found in carnellite and dolomite. Being that they are harder and denser than the alkali earth metals, you would assume that they have a stronger character and less willing to give up things to be in a relationship. Even though I just completely made up that connection, you would actually be right in assuming that. Although these are also quite reactive, they are not as reactive as their neighbors from group I. In other words, in this case Emma would maybe not give Bob her money, but she might give it to Steven instead (oxygen mostly). Why Steven? I don't know. Maybe because he's a little nicer, better looking, or maybe even both? Emma still has some issues to resolve however.

The transition metals are what I would call the average people. They are pretty down to earth. They are willing to create relationships or not. They are good conductors of friendships and energy. They can be very colorful (CuSO4 5H2O) and jubilant. The metalloids are the half metals. You know, like those people who are just unsure of themselves (who isn't right?), the metalloids are kind of metals but not really. Then there are the non-metals. These do not conduct electricity or heat very well. In other words, these are perhaps the unfriendly people. The ones who greet you with a funky face when you say 'Good morning.' They do not reflect light. A tad bit similar to these are the other metals. Yes, that is what they are really called. They are described as being opaque, or perhaps in terms of people, boring. However, they include a rather interesting pack, with aluminum and lead being members. So let's call these the boring people who get the job done. There are also the rare earth metals, and well, they're just rare. I don't know much about them and I would assume that is why they call them rare. I suppose these could be either strange people or maybe even people who have special abilities. Special abilities like playing an instrument very well or..... telekinesis à la Carrie style!

Last but certainly not least, are the noble gases. You can imagine who they are, right? These are the pacifists, the wise and the enlightened, if you will. They do not readily take up electrons because their valence shells already have the desired eight (you know, the eight that the halogens are always trying to attain). I suppose that's why they are called the "noble" gases.

So this is what I came up with during my spare time. It's not well thought out, it was just a spur of the moment sort of thing. I'm sure that we could use many other properties and turn the roles around for any of these groups (i.e. maybe the halogens are not really hoarders but instead hard workers because they're always looking for things to get done). But alas, this is what I came up with on a Thursday afternoon in the library so it's pretty simple minded. But the question is, which one are you? The alkali or alkaline earth metals, the halogens or transitional metals, the non metals or the rare metals, or perhaps even a noble gas?

What's up, Google?

Apparently, if you change your gmail you can no longer link all your things (including Blogger) involving Google with the new one. Thus, I have opened a new Blogger account. Not very ecstatic about this, but oh well. The link to my old blog is below. I believe there are only 12 or 13 posts. I write maybe once every few months. That's probably a good thing. =)

http://sandravarela.blogspot.com/